Children can’t resign.
Instead, they sit in classrooms with nervous systems in protection mode – trying to learn while feeling unsafe with the adults leading them.
This week two small conversations with my own children made me think deeply about this.
One of my children told me they had been sat out of a PE game because they were, “not playing it properly.”
When I asked if they explained their perspective to the teacher, they said; “No. He says talking back is disrespectful.”
Another child told me a teacher was “mean.” When I asked why, they said they had gone to the toilet during class. When they returned, they were told to get on with their work. They explained they had missed the instructions. The response they remember was simple; “No excuses.”
Now here’s the part that concerns me most.
When examples like this are raised with schools (which is something I most often do wearing my professional hat), the response is often defensive and literal; “That teacher would never have said that.”
But the exact wording isn’t the point.
What matters is how a child experienced the interaction.
What matters is the likely fact that a child does not experience secure attachment to their teacher.
What matters, is that these children will struggle to learn from their teachers unless trust can be established or re-built (a devastating ‘sentence’ only half way through Term 1).
What matters, is that these kids’ nervous systems will rest in a sympathetic dominant state in class and they will be MORE LIKELY, due to reduced capacity, to make MISTAKES that will again be MISINTERPRETED as bad behaviour.
Whether you’re a teacher, or a parent who sometimes moves too quickly to judge your child’s behaviour, this is important information to know.
How to change?
Start with awareness. Many of us are operating on scripts our own teachers and parents used, especially when our own nervous systems are feeling overwhelmed. Caring for 25 kids with admin pressure for measurable academic outcomes will do that to you (I’ll discuss that further in another article).
We need a ‘hard reset’ on the foundational principles of child development. These principles are not wishy washy values, they’re evidence based facts:
– All children are good
– All children are wired to be guided (& behave) for safe and trusted adults.
– A child’s behaviour tells us about their skills and how their nervous system is feeling in that moment (not whether they’re deciding to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’)
– Impulsive, distractible and challenging behaviour is a flag that calls for curiosity and problem solving. Every. Single. Time.
– If you’re a parent or teacher who has ever thought a child has ‘regulated’ after you have spoken to them about their behaviour/explained why it was bad/wrong/inappropriate etc. Sorry, but regulation has been confused with suppression. They have suppressed their needs in order to protect their relationship with you.
Incredible, isn’t it? That kids who are struggling can sometimes dig even deeper to mask their needs and display compliance.
If you’re a teacher or parent who wants support, I hope you’ll connect. This year I will be releasing two picture books – kicking off with the one for classrooms.
There is a lot of talk about a need to change the system. I don’t disagree, but I also know we can effect significant positive change within existing systems. I also want to emphasise that this is about protecting the well-being of teachers and children.
My first book, ‘In Our Classroom,’ has been designed to support adults & kids by fostering trust-based relationships, which keep everybody feeling safe and aiming in the right direction.
For those interested, you can pre-order my diet book here:
